Hope Loves Sunshine
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Main Blog relationship tips stories

I’m a collector of experiences and colorful stories created by friends and myself. I enjoy sharing those relationship stories for growth, self-awareness and to show others that we are all the same with certain uniqueness.

Are you guilty of doing too much in relationships?

Are you guilty of doing too much in relationships

Most women are natural caregivers and nurturers. When women over in dose, the response is not well received. This may cause the men to feel babied and mothered. Babies need to bump their heads to learn awareness. If the man is overly nurtured, it will not create a healthy relationship with their partner.

Example: Bianca is currently in an off and on relationship with her boyfriend of two years. The relationship evolved from a sexual tryst. Bianca's boyfriend Brian does not want the relationship to become public. Frequently, he is controlling; not allowing her to post pictures of both of them on social media. She tolerates his behavior hoping things will get better and tends to use the, "Oh we been together for years," to justify his noncommittal behavior. Ladies, we must not allow ourselves to fall victim to the notion of being in a relationship for years to warrant staying in an unhealthy relationship. Men will milk the situation and feel comfortable in the behavior pattern until the right person comes along and challenge their heartstrings. When someone truly matters in your life, you will do what is needed to correct a situation. Bianca settled because she does not believe she can do better. If she put the same amount of value in herself than she does in her relationship, her life would change for the better. God can not bless you in a relationship that he did not design for you.

I had a former friend that was the Queen of "Doing Too much." Every relationship she had since I’ve known her, were filled with her trying to create "The One" out of men that were simply passersby. Sandra had an ex-boyfriend that she made into her adult man-child. When she was with Rob, he could not sneeze without her running to clean his nose...figuratively speaking. If Rob mentioned anything, Sandra would believe it was up to her to fulfill his wishes. She even booked a weekend getaway in the cabins, which Rob was to pay half. You guessed it, he didn’t. Well, why should he when he had an "I would do anything for a man" type of girl? Sandra made all the arrangements and paid for the entire trip even though she did not have the money to pay her upcoming bills. She decided the sacrifice was worth Rob’s happiness. When Rob would complain about not having money to cover his bills, Sandra was there to do so at the expense of her bills going unpaid. I always wondered how Rob was able to pay his bills before he met Sandra. If a man was able to fund his endeavors before you entered his life, why would he need your funds to maintain his lifestyle? Say it loud, "You're Doing Too Much." Sandra’s "Doing too Much" state of mind all stemmed from having low self-esteem. When you don't think highly of yourself, you will allow nonsense to become your designer threads. Our group of friends and I had lunch with the couple; Rob was kind enough to pay for our lunch but instead of allowing him to pay, Sandra gave him $40. I was puzzled; I later asked her why she gave him $40. The gesture emasculated him in front of us. She stated, "Oh I know he really didn't have the money and was just doing it to be nice." Surprisingly (sarcasm), that relationship ended.

Sandra met Bryce at church and declared once again, "He is the ONE." She has been scoping Bryce for some time at the church. And finally dared to speak to him. When the pleasant conversation was over, Sandra gave Bryce her business card with all the contact numbers/emails to reach her. I screamed inside…"Stop waving your white flag of desperation." Sandra was hurt because Bryce did not contact her during the week and decided to get my husband’s opinion as for the possible reasons for why Bryce was not interested. Corey (my husband) and I were merely friends at the time. Sandra and I were all on a three-way phone call. Sandra gave Corey the background to enlist his opinion. Corey told her that men are natural hunters. So, if Bryce wanted to get to know you…he would have pursued you. Corey tried to let her down kindly and even gave her a glimmer of hope that things may work out with Bryce. Once the call ended, Corey explained to me that the relationship with Sandra and Bryce will never work, because a man can sense a desperate woman and they find this unattractive. Sandra briefly dated Bryce but once again, fell into "Doing Too Much." She would pay for his gas and allowed him to use her ePass which is a prepaid device to pay tolls tied to your bank account. Not only did he abuse her ePass, but Bryce also used it so much that her statement was hit continuously with finance charges because she didn't have the funds in her account when the ePass cost hit her account. This relationship also ended: Even with the abuse of trust and finances, Sandra was never the one to end the relationships.

I too fell into the notion of "Doing Too Much." I once was dating a guy named Justice. I thought if I did a lot of stuff to show I cared, which is natural for me, that he would like me too. Justice was selfish and arrogant. I once planned this elaborate dinner and purchased a lot of food to cook only for him to cancel last minute. I was disappointed and felt foolish. I spoke to one of my best girlfriends Sharon, and she bluntly said, "Why are you doing all this stuff for a man that's not your boyfriend." You see, I was doing that…"Pick me Pick me" thing that I lost my perspective and ended up being a tool.

The lesson is, stop "Doing Too Much." Even a shy man would pursue a woman that he finds attractive and exciting. We cannot be the hunters. God will order your steps as long as you give him permission to be your heavenly ruler.